The weight, the wait, and the way.

     There is just not enough compassion to go around it seems. As a rule, the air of this world is unforgiving, blame game oriented, and people seem to be positioned to accept that things will never change for themselves soon enough.  I am a living testimony to what not forgiving yourself can do to a life.  I used to swear that the answer was somewhere swimming in the bottle - But I would only find the bottom, quicker every time.  I always wondered what the hell I was running from, and where the hell I was going - its a real living hell when I would always end up, where I had always been.  The weight of our mistakes, heavy. Long after the ones we love have forgiven us and moved on, we sometimes find ourselves being more disappointed in ourselves than anyone else ever was. The long road to redemption starts with forgiving yourself, and only then can your way begin.

   For me, I was always a bible thumper, not to be confused with a Jesus freak. Reading scripture and receiving the Word are worlds apart. I learned that knowledge does not equal salvation, and working your way to making yourself feel like you are good enough in the eyes of our Lord - go for it but I can assure you - you will be well learned in futility when it is all said and done (Eph 2:8;9) So much of the peace I wanted to feel was buried so deep within that it was invisible to my soul. I would never be able to believe in grace without...grace. I would always fixate on what I was taught: That very few people would ever be good enough or work hard enough to make it into the Kingdom of God, so my sins followed me as a constant indictment. I was convicting myself all of my life, my own judge jury and prison. Practicing sin was just a way to further convince myself that I was not worthy, nor would I ever be. The day I learned that I was wrong all of my life, all of my life changed.

  I still wonder what God saw within me to draw me to His Son and sanctify my soul with the power that can only be attributed to His Holy Spirit. Only by grace can I ever be considered worthy, otherwise - I am just another sinner sinning.  I can never be good enough. I can never do enough good. But I can now live in the space that is knowing our God is mercy, not just merciful. He is not just loving. He is love. He understands that we cannot forget our past, but we can forgive our past.  With the weight of this world off of my shoulders, my burdens cast on him, the wait is now over,  and my way in The Way can begin.